New Muslim Friendships; Islamic Style
One of the most challenging aspects of life for new Muslims is often over the changes they need to make in their social life and how it affects their friendships.
They fear losing treasured friendships with people they are close to when they start to pull away from non-Islamic activities and they aren’t sure what to expect from Muslim friendships.
It would be wonderful if we could give a reassurance that once you become a Muslim that you will be surrounded by a wonderful, caring group of friends who will always be there for you. People who will have time for you and give you their full attention when you are together, but we can’t do that. Muslims are humans too and have their failings.
The only one who will always be there for you will be Allah; He will never let you down if you turn to Him. He will offer you the help, support and advice that you need to live your life in the best way. And in the end, He will also reward you with Paradise, if you do your best to live according to His guidance.
Allah has given lots of information and advice on friendships. On the Day of Judgment, when you will all be standing in front of Him, you won’t be asked to give a critique on the people you knew; on how good or bad a Muslim they were. You will be asked how you lived your life. So focus on yourself and strive to be the best that you can be. If you strive to be the best friend that you can be for others, good people will be attracted to you and Allah will surround you with supportive friends.
There are many people that are described as friends nowadays; those you have known for a long time, those you spend all your free time with, those you meet occasionally to do certain activities with and more recently, those you know virtually through Facebook or Twitter.
Which, if any, of these are genuine friends?
And, since coming to Islam, what type of friend should you now be aiming to be?
Let’s take a look at these ten types of friendships that Allah describes in the Quran to see if you can find some answers there.
1- Wali (Protective friend)
As a Wali you take care of others; you guard them when they are in trouble, no matter what your personal relationship is with them. You are a strong friend, and even if there is animosity between you, you develop a thick skin and let them say what they have to say. In turn you respond positively to them, because you care about them as a human being. This, in some cases, can even soften negative feelings and turn the person into a devoted friend
{Repel [evil] by that which is better; and thereupon the one whom between you and him is enmity [will become] as though he was a devoted friend.} (41:34)
On coming to Islam, you may find many people you thought of as friends, and even family members, saying hurtful things. This shouldn’t turn you away from them, you should still support them and take care of them when they need your help.
2- Sadiq (Truthful and genuine friend)
As a Sadiq you have no agenda behind your friendship with someone; you just truly love them for the sake of Allah. You are always there for them, whether they are having a good or a bad day. You don’t give up on them, even if they do something bad. If they stray or slip, you encourage them to do good and speak the truth kindly and honestly, without being judgmental.
You may sometimes lose friends, because they don’t want to hear the truth and would rather you support them in their errors. But as a Sadiq, you don’t lose touch with them, as you don’t want them to complain on the Day of Judgment that you didn’t try to guide them:
{And no one misguided us except the criminals. So now we have no intercessors and not a devoted friend.} (26:99-100)
3- Sahib (Companion)
As a Sahib, you can be a companion for someone on a journey or you can be someone’s companion for life. You mean well for your companion and care about them. The better you know them, the more you can do for them. As a true Sahib, your companion feels comfortable relaxing and just being themselves when they are with you; they don’t have to hold back or keep up appearances.
4- Walijah (Insider who shares secrets)
As a Walijah, your friend trusts you enough to share their deepest secrets with you. This is the rarest type of friendship. You know everything about their life and they know about yours and you are closely involved in all aspects of their life. They would also trust you with their bank account and taking care of their home.
However, Allah has made it a condition that you should only have this type of relationship with a believer, i.e. a believing and trustworthy Muslim.
{Do not take other than Allah, His Messenger and the believers as intimates? And Allah is Acquainted with what you do.} (9:16)
The first one you should trust and turn to with your secrets is Allah, you should consult His Messenger to see his example and what he advised, and then finally you should turn to the believers for practical help and support.
5- Bitana (Close adviser)
As a Bitana, people come to you for advice and counsel, trusting you to keep their secrets. They trust you to give them honest and trustworthy advice on their personal or religious matters. If you fear that you might not be able to keep their secrets, that you won’t be able to help or that you may be listening with the wrong intention, you don’t listen to those who come to you with their secrets, as intimate secrets; especially marital secrets, should be private and not shared with anyone, unless to seek advice.
Once again, Allah orders that this level of trust should only be among the believers, as they will fear Allah in what has been confided in them.
{O you who have believed, do not take as intimates those other than yourselves, for they will not spare you [any] ruin.} (3:118)
This doesn’t mean that trust cannot be given to those who aren’t believers, but the highest level of trust should only be given to the trustworthy believers.
In Part 1 of this article, the writer shed light on five types of useful friends mentioned in the Quran: a protective friend, a truthful and genuine friend, a companion, an insider who shares secrets and a close adviser.
In this second part, five more types of friends mentioned in the Quran are described and explained.
6- Khadhul (Deceiver)
As a Khadhul, you are a very disappointing friend, a fair-weather friend. You act like a friend until the moment of truth and then you disappear out of sight when you are most needed.
None of us would like to think of us being this type of friend, but if we look at the best example of a Khadhul, Satan, and see some of the little things he does, insha Allah it will help you to avoid it.
He encourages you to watch stuff on the television that you shouldn’t, he encourages you spend money on stuff that you don’t need, he encourages you to say things you shouldn’t, he encourages you to enjoy the wrong sort of activities with the wrong sort of friends, and then worst of all, he encourages you to waste time on activities that take you away from the worship of Allah.
And then, on the Day of Judgment, he will turn round and say that he only invited you to do all those things, but you were the one who chose to do them.
7- Khadn (Friend of the opposite gender you’re attracted to)
As a Khadn, you are placing yourself in a very dangerous situation, as you are dating and being intimate with someone. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
“Whenever two non-married people (of the opposite gender) are alone with each other, Satan becomes the third one between them.” (At-Tirmidhi)
And when Allah in the Quran is advising on the types of women to marry, He warns against the Khadn:
{So marry them with the permission of their people and give them their due compensation according to what is acceptable. [They should be] chaste, neither [of] those who commit unlawful intercourse randomly nor those who take lovers.} (4: 25)
If you find yourself slipping into a friendship with someone you’re attracted to, and you find yourself finding excuses to contact them, to have private conversations or meet them alone – even if this is under the pretext of inviting them to Islam or working on an Islamic project – check yourself to see if you are becoming a Khadn. It’s ok to be attracted to someone; Allah has placed this in our hearts, but you have to control it, as that is what Islam teaches.
8- Qarin (Equivalent constant companion)
As a Qarin, you have so much in common with your companion; you enjoy the same things and do everything together. You are known by others as your Qarin’s friend and asked about them if they aren’t with you. The thing about a Qarin is that you can have both good and bad Qarins. You can either lead each other to Paradise or you can lead each other into the Hell Fire!
{And whoever is blinded from remembrance of the Most Merciful – We appoint for him a devil, and he is to him a companion.} (43:36)
To get to Paradise, you may need to give up some of the Qarins that you used to have, although you can still keep in touch with them. You need to find the strength to pull away from them and look for Qarins who can help you and who you can help too.
9- Khalil (Friend who penetrates the heart)
As a Khalil, you think about your friends all the time and wish you were with them, because you feel that they have become part of you and you miss them when they’re not there. The more activities you do together, the more your bond of friendship strengthens.
This is the closest type of friendship that you can have Islamically and on the Day of Judgment they will be your only friends. This is the term that Allah used to describe Ibrahim.
{And Allah took Ibrahim as an intimate friend (Khalil).} (4: 125)
10- Rafiq (Comforter)
As a Rafiq, you help your friend to relax. In your company they feel comfortable and they don’t worry about what they say or do, as they trust and like you. They feel totally at ease in your company. They know that you are a good and a pious person and a great person to be around.
New Muslim Friendships
As a new Muslim you will recognize all these types of friendship, as they are seen the world over. Many of them overlapping and sometimes more than one type are present in a relationship. The difference now is that Allah gives His guidance to Muslims regarding their friendships and tells them which type of friendship is acceptable in His eyes and which will be rewarded and which punished.
It’s now up to you to look at your friends and work out whether they are people that will help you reach Paradise. And more importantly, it’s up to you to take a good look at yourself and assess what type of friend you are to others and whether what you are doing now will merit Allah sending you good companions.
If you look around, you can’t see any good people, start taking steps to improve the quality of your relationships. You don’t have to offer all the best types of friendship to everyone; as I mentioned above, some types of friendships are very rare. Just work on avoiding the ones Allah hates and work on developing the ones He loves, wisely.
As you turn to Allah, you will find that many of the people you thought of as friends will turn away from you and they may even eventually give up on you, as you begin to have little in common. But Allah has promised:
{And those who believe and do righteous deeds – We will surely admit them among the righteous.} (29: 9)
So have faith in Allah and His Plan for you, be the best you can be and seek out friends who will keep you on the Path to Paradise. And be wise in your relationships, choosing your friends carefully, and remember this powerful hadith from the Prophet (peace be upon him). He said:
“A person is on the religion of his friend, so look whom you befriend!” (At Tirmidhi and Abu Dawud)
Acknowledgements to Nouman Ali Khan whose talk this article is based on: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oo6_nJlFr0Q
SOURCE: https://aboutislam.net/reading-islam/living-islam/new-muslim-friendships-islamic-style-2/