Every relationship will have its share of disagreements, fights, and arguments. It is very hard to feel loved in times of conflict.
In my younger days, I used to like repeating the popular saying, “I am a lover, not a fighter.”
In Marriage, Pick Your Battles
The saying implied to me that, in order to have a successful marriage, you should love more and fight less.
However, the reality is that you have to be able to love and have healthy conflicts to have a strong relationship and a happy marriage.
Why Is Conflict Important?
Conflict is a part of life, as it exists in most relationships, and it is not necessarily bad.
Whenever you put two unique individuals together, you are going to have two people who don’t always agree on everything.
Two individuals in a relationship can be productive, creating a deeper understanding of each other, closeness, and respect; or they can be destructive, causing resentment, hostility, and separation.
Pick Your Battles
Start with the right frame of mind. Approach conflict as two equals working together to solve a problem.
Choosing your battles is very important. You have to learn when and where to fight and how to love your spouse so you can have a fulfilling marriage.
Fight Technology
While technology has made it easier to communicate, it also causes conflict in marriage.
Some studies indicate that couples who text a lot do not have happy marriages.
When you text, everything is up to interpretation; what you say and the way you meant it may not be received as intended.
Having conversations face-to-face is very important for having productive conversations between you and your spouse.
Fight Money Issues
Money can be a deal-breaker in a marriage. The way a person handles money says a lot about them.
If money is causing a rift in your marriage, have a weekly or monthly meeting at home where you and your spouse can discuss finances.
Resolve all issues calmly. Don’t let money worsen your relationship or communication.
Fight Dishonesty
Marriage counsellor Dr. Frank Gunzberg notes that lying is only one type of dishonesty in marriage.
Don’t omit information they need to draw the correct conclusion or focus on an insignificant fact to avoid admitting a truth you don’t want to admit.
Avoid answering in anger or giving them the silent treatment instead of an answer.
These strategies are dishonest and harmful to your relationship, even when you use them to avoid an argument or to protect your spouse’s feelings.
Fight Infidelity
While infidelity is to blame for many divorces, modern couples commonly cite unreasonable behaviour as the biggest reason behind divorces.
Fight Unrealistic Expectations
One of the great relationship destroyers is unrealistic expectations.
It is about expecting something out of the relationship that the other is ignorant of, unwilling, or unable to provide.
Love and forgive your spouse, communicate to understand, and change your perspective. Rather than giving up on your expectations, keep them realistic.
To Love
Allah (SWT) says in the glorious Qur’an:
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy.
Allah emphasizes in this verse the importance of love and mercy between spouses.
Indeed in that are signs for people who give thought. And of His signs are the creation of the heavens and the earth and the diversity of your languages and your colors. Indeed in that are signs for those of knowledge.” (Ar-Rum: 22)
Although conflict is healthy at times, love needs to take precedence.
We need to know when to draw the line and how to fight cleanly. Love and mercy should go hand in hand.
Loving Words
Loving words are very important in a marriage, and they need to be there all the time. A loving word goes a long way, instilling confidence and security in our spouse’s heart.
Praying Together
Years ago, Imam Moutie Saban, a local Cape Town sheikh, said on the Voice of the Cape radio station that one of the acts a couple should do together is prayer.
Prayer is paramount in every Muslim home, and doing this together creates harmony and unity.
He added that the best time for couples to discuss issues that trouble them is after they have prayed together.
In-laws
A big part of the equation for a happy marriage is the in-laws.
For a healthy relationship with your in-laws, start with respect, honour, and trust, and you will be on the right track.
Love yourself
Love starts with you. Being kind to yourself allows you to be kind to those around you.
E.E Cummings once said,
“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”
The real secret to a happy marriage is balance. You and your spouse need to be lovers and fighters. You just have to pick your fights and learn how to love.
SOURCE: https://aboutislam.net/family-life/husbands-wives/in-marriage-pick-your-battles/2/